Category Archives: Uncategorized

Some Truth About Cancer

 

In loving memory of my sister Ann

In memory of my sister Ann

I’ve lost a few people I love to cancer. Most of us have. For years prior to my sister Ann’s terminal cancer diagnosis (she died more than 6 years ago), I had been perplexed at the lack of progress made in cancer treatments over the many years this has been on my radar. I know that chemo drugs have changed over the years and that the “chemo cocktail” is tweaked here and there, but basically the treatment options have been and still are the same. Your choice, if you have cancer, is chemotherapy, radiation, and/or surgery. I had heard of other treatments from alternative health care providers that seemed to be promising, but the above mentioned three options are pretty much “it” if you go to a conventional doctor, as most people do.

I’ve heard of the “war on cancer’ too many times to count over the years, but I’ve always been curious about why all the big research money was only being spent on the three above mentioned treatments. I’ve always wanted to hear and read more about some of the alternative therapies that have seemed promising, in particular intravenous Vitamin C therapy (http://orthomolecular.org/library/ivccancerpt.shtml) or Gerson Therapy to name just two. There are others, but they receive no research money even when there was money readily available for cancer research. All the available money has always gone to the three conventional ways of treating cancer. Is it because these ways are the only, or at least the best way of treating cancer?

I’ve never been one to think either business or government has my best interest at heart but the thought that there may be a deliberate repression of information and of treatments that may be more effective (and much less brutal) for cancer patients than the above mentioned three options was too horrible to spend my time thinking about.  After reading lots of research from orthomolecular and alternative sources, and also reading anecdotal  evidence from cancer patients who survived against all medical odds, I have been willing to conclude that there wasn’t a deliberate repression of valuable treatments. To think otherwise really is a very dark thought to hold onto! But I still believed there was a better way of both preventing and treating cancer than what was on offer and that the conventional treatment caused a lot of suffering for patients. I know it did for my sister Ann.

After my sister died I was tired of thinking that she had suffered and died needlessly and also a bit heartbroken, so I put this aside and just tried to be healthy and to help other interested people do the same. This cancer business keeps circling back to me though, so I want to share a small piece of what I have learned over the years. The truth is getting closer. Perhaps there has been repression of information from those we are meant to trust after all. We can only make a decision on this if we look at all the information, not that which is spoon fed to us.

Instead of a lot of words, I want to encourage any who read this post to take the time to watch a documentary called “The Truth About Cancer: A Global Quest”. It cannot be viewed on any mainstream TV channels, but you can watch it online. You will have to register to view it but it is completely free to do this. It is packed full of facts that are both shocking but also empowering. Many doctors, researchers, and pharmaceutical people come forward with verifiable stories that cannot be ignored and this documentary held my interest to the end. Here is the link for it:

https://go2.thetruthaboutcancer.com/agq/episode-1/

Just copy and paste into your browser, and as I said, you may have to register but it is well worth your time when you consider the statistics that 1 in 2 men will get cancer in their lifetime, and 1 in 3 women will. These are unbelievably huge numbers, and they show no sign of diminishing.

This film does not indict doctors, medical personnel, or even pharmaceutical personnel. But it does show a clear and verifiable history of creating the medical model we have today, and the people/businesses responsible for the lack of choice in cancer treatment and how and why we have all been duped so successfully. I encourage gently and lovingly all who take the time to read this to also take the time to watch The Truth About Cancer. Information is empowering.

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Loneliness – The “Illusion” That Feels So Real

Scan 5Many of us are lonely today. It crops up in my own life from time to time even though I am married, do work I enjoy, and have a few people I care deeply about and who also care about me.  You don’t have to be alone be lonely.

It is my nature to question things and look deeper (both a curse and a blessing!), so I’ve delved into this feeling of loneliness almost as an afterthought from writing about happiness. I believe that loneliness is a common and misunderstood obstacle to happiness.  Loneliness is a serious issue and impacts the quality of our lives.  There are many different kinds of loneliness. It is sort of a catch-all term that says very little about what is really going on. Are you lonely because you miss a best friend?  Do you miss being part of a group, something larger than just you?  Does it make you feel unseen because you do not have a place that seems familiar, where you are known? Are you missing a romantic partner in your life?  Are you feeling overwhelmed because you don’t have someone around whom you can lean on and depend upon when things get difficult?  Loneliness has so many faces and so is harder to pinpoint.

A sense of connection is often the missing link in our lives and is a common thread with loneliness. The Welsh have a word for a special kind of loneliness, called Hiraeth. It doesn’t have a precise English translation, but in general means “a homesickness for a home you cannot return to, or that never was“.  It is similar to the Portuguese “saudade” which is the theme of Fado music. Hiraeth is a mix of longing, yearning, tinged with grief or a sense of loss and a desire to connect with or touch that which has been lost. It is the feeling of separateness or disconnection that is at the root of any type of loneliness. There is help for this deep existential form of hiraeth  as well as the temporary fleeting feelings of loneliness we all experience from time to time.

Nurturing a sense of connection is the best (and maybe the only) way to shift a feeling of loneliness. I believe that we are all interconnected and interdependent with each other, but the illusion of separateness persists due to our egoic minds, modern life, and our culture of fear and lack. But since I also believe our view of reality is almost entirely perceptual, the “illusion” of loneliness is a very real part of a lonely person’s life.

I do not intend to trivialise the problem of loneliness, but sometimes actionable steps are simply the best way out of a bad cycle.  Just taking a step in the right direction immediately improves our perception and thus our situation.  Try some version of my suggestions, tweak them as much as you need to so they are meaningful to you. and take a step out of any bleak feelings you are having. (The only reason I “know” about this is because I have felt it myself, and edged my way out of bleakness by trying something different.)

  • Make a habit of nurturing others. For happiness in general, studies show that it is just as important to give support as to get support. Make eye contact and smile at someone. Even if they don’t smile back, it cost you nothing to do this and is likely to bring about a lovely smile in return. Offer to get groceries for an elderly neighbor, foster a dog or cat, take care of a friend’s children, teach a class, volunteer in your neighborhood or community. Giving support to others creates a feeling of connection.
  • Make real attempts at connecting with other people. Sign up for an exercise, language, art, sewing, craft class, join a book group, show up at the weekly office coffee hour, take a minute to chat with a co-worker, neighbor, or acquaintance, attend a community talk or lecture, start or join a local walking group. (Yes, I know. All the advice we’ve all heard before. But it really works!)
  • Get better sleep. Sleep deprivation under any circumstances brings down people’s moods and exacerbates negative feelings. You will not feel like building connections if you are suffering from chronic sleep deprivation. It is important to tackle this issue. Give it your attention by trying different things for a couple of weeks at a time. (There is a mountain of information out there to cure insomnia, but my next blog will be about this very thing.) Chronic sleep problems are usually the result of bad habits that need to be changed. 
  • Make a habit of staying open. This can be as simple as being aware of the next breath you take or the food you are tasting. It involves staying open to life and experiences as much as staying open to people. I know that loneliness itself can make people feel more negative, critical, and judgemental. Sadly, people who are lonely are far less accepting of potential new friends than people who are not lonely so the hurdle comes down to feeling what you are feeling and gently pressing on anyway.
  • Ask yourself, “What is it that I really want?” We often avoid this question in anything but a trivial way because it can be painful and can bring up what is “missing” in our life. But it is easier to know how to address an issue if you are clear what you really want. Chances are, you do not really want the third chocolate brownie or the 5th piece of pizza. Overeating is a common quick fix for feelings of lack or of not “being” enough. There are other things we do to mask discovering what it is we really want of course, but by far overeating is the most common. Without getting into a deep rut with this, touch into the question “What is it that I really want?” for a few minutes each day. Beginning to feel comfortable with this question – and the resulting answer – will go a long way in resolving feelings of loneliness and unhappiness.

Sometimes the wanting or longing you feel can be a marker for you to follow along your path. I wish you well as you listen to the whisperings that come along when you ask the important questions.

If you try, or have tried, any of these ideas to step out of feelings of loneliness and darkness, please let me know how they worked for you.

Keep Fighting For Your Limitations, and – They’re Yours!

wordpress meditation imagesRecently, I was talking with a friend about all the reasons her life didn’t seem to be working for her. One of the things I kept noticing is the way she insisted she could not do things any differently because of these very unique circumstances she was embroiled in. I said to her, “but if you continue to do things the exact same way, don’t you think you’ll continue to get the exact same results….ie, more of what you don’t want?” She heard me loud and clear but was on the verge of getting upset because she thought I wasn’t hearing and understanding her. What I heard was a woman fighting for her limitations. I had a Eureka moment when I realised what was happening is something that I also do from time to time. We all do.

We will think about what it is we really want – but then spend lots of time and energy going over and over why we cannot have it or what is in our way. While knowing our roadblocks is part of getting clear about solutions, this insistence to and attachment to our roadblocks is what is keeping us stuck. I want to keep this simple and honest, so I will claim that statement: My insistence and attachment to my limitations is what is keeping me stuck.

Now you may be thinking, “I am certainly not attached to my limitations, I want them gone!” I believe that you want them gone but in order to remove them you must stop fighting for them. You fight for your limitations when you insist that you could never retrain in a new field because you are too old. You fight for your limitations when you state, with certainty, that you cannot travel because you would not be able to keep your job if you did that. You fight for your limitations when you say you could never get your book published because you don’t have an agent and don’t know how to self-publish. One thing is certain; if you fight for your limitations, they are yours. I am going to stop doing this even though some of the reasons I have for not getting what I want seem very big and unresolvable. I think it is easier to take small steps in the direction of my goals than to give up on them all together.

We all create a story about ourselves and the way life works based on past experiences. We’ve all had negative experiences that have hurt, shamed, or frightened us and so usually parts of this story are pretty negative. Because hurt, shame, and fear are so powerful – and we all have a strong tendency to put more emphasis on the negative than the positive – we have all built negative stories around not achieving enough, not being enough.

Here are some common deflating and self-defeating limiting beliefs we hold onto:

  • I do not belong.
  • I am not enough.
  • Life is hard.
  • Money is hard to come by.
  • People are not to be trusted.
  • Bad things always happen to me.
  • Everyone else is better than me.
  • No one loves me.
  • Something is wrong with me.
  • I should be doing more.
  • Even though I don’t want to, I have to ______________ because of ___________________.
  • Love is painful.

Do any of these sound familiar? Once we have formed these limiting beliefs,  we go out and collect evidence that supports our story and tend to disregard things that don’t go with the stories we’ve made up about ourselves. For instance, if you believe that bad stuff happens to you or life is hard, you will use everything from not finding a parking space to losing a job as evidence to reinforce this limiting (and untrue!) story but will think it is a one-off fluke when something positive happens. Once you have the belief that “Life is Hard” your mind will filter out most of what happens that contradicts this. It’s how beliefs work.

Why do we keep repeating a story we don’t want to tell anymore? It has become habitual for us to do that. We can choose a fresh alternative, even if we had some very bad stuff happen to us in life. We don’t have to keep re-living the bad stuff. My past is not my identity. I am not my story. I find that I do sometimes believe “the story” (yes….I think sometimes I am too old to get a qualification in Nutrition, or that I don’t have the IT skills necessary to self-publish a book I wrote more than a year ago…) but it helps when I soften the edge of my “knowing” and just get curious about that which lights me up. One step at a time, I go a little further in the direction of what attracts me without putting any requirements on myself. I  allow myself to get pleasure from the process and not get consumed by the goal. 

I don’t always accomplish and achieve huge goals quickly this way. But I definitely enjoy my every day life more when I incorporate the juiciness of participating in what attracts me without shutting myself down with…”You’ll never get that book published”….or, “who do you think you are?” kinds of feelings.

Please stop coming up with all the reasons you cannot afford something. Or do not have a great relationship. Or are stuck in a job you don’t like. Or whatever else you are convincing yourself is unchangeable. Maybe you cannot do it all right now, but you may be able to take small steps in the direction of That Which Makes You Smile. (I recently bought a Mac Pro that I “couldn’t afford” by saving my spare change for a couple of years! I am using it right now.)

I understand that sometimes there are circumstances that are difficult. I know that sometimes it seems like you do not have choices about certain things. Sometimes it means the dream has to be modified, or it means not now (not no), or it means you must do something entirely different.  Even if you cannot change an external circumstance (right now), you ALWAYS have a choice about how you perceive and respond to it. I know this is old advice, but it is Truth. I am not a victim of my circumstances. I do have a choice in what I do next, even if the choice is how I respond.

 Stop fighting for your limitations, or they will surely be your truth!

Exercise: Just Do It!

exercising womenBy now we’ve all heard  about the overwhelming amount of evidence confirming that exercise is is crucial in disease reduction, optimal mental, emotional and physical health, and longevity. Not just beneficial, but crucial. The part of my research that I found really encouraging is that you can receive outstanding results no matter what your age when you start exercising. One reason this is such good news for me is I have a mother in her 80’s who has stopped almost all exercise and I know it is still within her grasp to become more physically, mentally, and emotionally fit just by taking up exercise again. (Not that she does it….but, if she did do it, the remarkable benefits would be there for her.) I hope this knowledge is encouraging to all of you who sometimes feel you’ve left it too long. You can start right now, right where you are, and still get remarkable benefits.

The next four short paragraphs are taken from a wonderful site, called Wake Up World, which states succinctly that not only is exercise crucial for health, but that the benefits are substantial no matter what your age when you begin.

“After reviewing 40 papers published between 2006 and 2010, researchers found that exercise reduces the risk of about two dozen health conditions, ranging from cancer and heart disease to type 2 diabetes, stroke, dementia and depression. Exercise also slows down the rate of aging itself, providing perhaps the closest example of a real life fountain of youth as we will ever find.

Ideally, you will have made exercise a regular part of your life long before you reach your “golden” years … but if you haven’t, there’s no better time to start than the present. Research has shown that regular exercise, even initiated late in life, offers profound health benefits. For instance:

Even a small amount of exercise may protect the elderly from long-term memory loss and even help reverse some of the effects of aging.

Moderate exercise among those aged 55-75 may cut the risk of developing metabolic syndrome, which increases heart disease and diabetes risk.

Among those who started exercising at age 50 and continued for 10 years, the rate of premature death declined dramatically, similar to giving up smoking and mirroring the level as seen among people who had been working out their entire lives.”

Remember, It’s NEVER Too Late to Improve Your Health.

It should be obvious by now that optimal health is dependent on not only an active lifestyle, but also on eating fresh whole foods and avoiding as many processed foods as possible, good sleep, and addressing the stress in your life. I have written about these four cornerstones of health before (Diet, Exercise, Sleep, and Mental Outlook).  Ignoring any of these basic tenets of health will eventually lead to a decline in health. But knowing that exercise itself is – crucial! – to good health and disease reduction makes me wonder….why aren’t we all doing it? This time of year, it is easy to stay indoors and forego outdoor exercise for a time, but that is very different from just not doing any exercise at all, ever. 

If you haven’t yet made physical exercise part of your daily routine, let’s challenge ourselves to incorporate it into our lives for the next 30 days. Make a plan that is within your means, even if it is simply a 20 minute walk every day. I combine fast walking and yoga, for example. Then at the end of 30 days see for yourself the difference this simple practice can make in your life. No matter what your age, if you can walk you can exercise, and immense rewards are there for you, no matter what your age.

I’d love to hear from you if you try this exercise challenge. Let me know how you fell at the end of the 30 days.

Bone Broth Can Help Improve Your Health Quickly

Bone brothI’ve been sipping bone broth regularly for over a year now and see that it has become trendy now in lots of health circles. I know this is controversial for those of us wanting to turn away from animal products but still feel like the benefits are significant enough to at least report my experience and research results of bone broth. I am sorry to say that I have been unable to find a vegan alternative that compares in benefits to bone broth. I welcome any information to the contrary, especially in regards to healing the gut.

Here are some of the purported benefits of bone broth:

  • Relieves aching joints
  • Improves the look and feel of your skin and hair
  • Takes years off your appearance
  • Heals your gut
  • Helps you lose weight
  • Strengthens blood and thus helps with Insomnia (Chinese Medicine)
  • Assists Immune system due to high mineral content of broth

If bone broth did even one of these things, it would be well worth taking it. There is compelling evidence that it has a positve influence on all the above mentioned things. Pretty amazing, don’t you agree? In general,  I find I feel better since I have been using it. Specifically, it has helped heal problems I have had with digestion and gut issues. I would often not feel very well after eating, suffering a plethora of symptoms as varied as bloating and gas, indigestion and intestinal discomfort, and things such as lethargy and tiredness. This doesn’t happen very much anymore and I attribute it to my taking bone broth. There is science behind this claim….basically, key components in the bone broth like gelatin and cartilage mend the lining in your intestines that has been damaged by gluten, drugs, (both prescribed and over-the-counter), smoking, and alcohol consumption, and stress. If you have any issues with leaky gut, IBS, gas or bloating, or indigestion you owe it to yourself to implement this ancient but effective treatment for these gut related issues.

I now have almost no problems with aches and pains in my joints, where I used to feel twinges somewhat regularly. In particular, I have a RSI in my neck and shoulder caused by 20+ years of being a Sports Therapist. It does flair up from time to time after a busy week, but not nearly as often as before and not nearly as severe. I also used to have a niggle in my right hip and knee  that is absolutely, 100% gone. I am not sure if I “look younger” or not – that is not why I started taking bone broth – but think my facial skin is clearer and brighter.

Here’s the thing: Bone broth is so inexpensive, and it is natural and risk free. So it will be so easy for you to try it yourself and let your body be your laboratory to test it out. You have nothing to lose and much to gain by this experiment.

How to make it:You can use either a stock pot on top of the stove, or a crock pot. Cover chicken bones or beef marrow bones with cold water. In theory, you can use any type of bones, but these are the kinds I have used.(They can be raw, but I like the taste of the broth better if I roast them first) Add whatever you want in the way of seasoning. I quarter a small onion, cut a celery stalk in 4 pieces, and halve and then quarter a carrot to put in with the bones. I generally put in a small amount of natural sea salt and pepper, and a sprig of thyme or rosemary if I have it.  Bring the water and bones to a boil, then turn it down to a very low setting so the bones can simmer for between 12 and 18 hours. (12 for chicken; 18 for heavy beef marrow bones.)

I know that sounds like a long time, but it is necessary in order to leach all the goodness out of the bones. You want all the minerals, gelatin, and cartilage to end up in the broth you will be eating. Most people new to bone broth do not simmer the bones long enough, and it can make one nervous to leave the bones simmering for that long.  Just be sure that the broth is on a very low setting and the water covers the bones. You’ll just have to do it once to see that it will be ok!

Let the broth and bones cool a bit when they are done, then strain the broth into containers with a colander or sieve. Important step: Let the broth chill in the fridge for a few hours before you plan to use it, so you can easily lift off all the fat which will come to the top when cold. You will notice that the broth is no longer a liquid, but is very gelatinous. This is a very good sign.

It is not necessary to sip the broth plain, but I do exactly that because I think it is better for my gut. This is not necessarily true, but again it makes sense to me to do it this way. You can use your broth for soup stock, to cook rice, couscous, or quinoa, or to cook other foods with.  Feel free to try this and let me know about your results.

As mentioned above, if anyone knows of a vegan alternative that has all the benefits of bone broth (including mending tiny openings between intestinal cells) please let me know.

Yours in health, Cathy

 

How To Help People See Your Point of View


hawk and doveMy experience of American politics was my best teacher on the subject of helping others to see my point of view. It mainly taught me what NOT to do if I wanted people to see my point of view or if I wanted to understand theirs. Here are a few things guaranteed not to work: Judging, ridiculing, condemning and chastising. As tempting as these things can be in certain situations, they are not the answer to help people understand your perspective. Resist the urge to do these things, and choose a fresh alternative.

Some people may be ignorant, but they’re not dummies. As in, if you treat them as such your going to get a big fat, “f___  you.” And then they’ll likely do or say something to get right up your nose and saunter off, completely unmoved by any of your great points. Everyone loses. 

You can also yell and rant and rave and wave your arms around and get support from those who think just like you—but how is that a win for anyone? We used to call that “preaching to the choir”. It can be satisfying in a fleeting, temporary sort of way but it does nothing to create insight or change.

Singing to fellow Doves won’t attract Hawks. Unless they intend to eat our young.

You cannot sell someone anything unless you can see through their eyes, and understand why and how they think the way they do. You have to approach someone with a curious mind and really talk to them to be able to do this. You have to learn their language, at least to some extent.  

Example of singing to the doves:

“People who drink water from single use plastic bottles are stupid and selfish.”

(You can hear the cooing of fellow doves.)

Hawks reply, “I will eat you for breakfast. It won’t be pretty.”

Doves sing, “People who don’t shop at local shops and farmers’ markets are selfish idiots.”

And every dove in the vicinity sing,  “Yeah, yeah, oh yeah.”

And the hawks squawk, “F___ you, f___ you!”

And so it goes.

But let’s imagine a different scenario:

Instead of hurling insults or making the Hawks feel as though their morals and ethics are lacking in some way, the Doves listen thoughtfully to some of the Hawks concerns. Then, they might say to Hawk: “The better local merchants do, the more money will stay in our local economy and the more jobs they’ll supply locally. Maybe our kids will get jobs at their shop and learn a skill they can use later.” Maybe Dove will even mention that there is lots of congestion on our highways and pollution caused by transporting goods from far away places.  Then, Dove listens to Hawk’s response.

“What’s that? You don’t care about the pollution of transporting goods from out of country?” Then, Dove refrains from saying something like, “Well, that’s just stupid.” Instead, since the dialogue is now open and no one is shouting, Dove could say, Well, ok, but that’s giving the future of employment to other countries. Voting with our dollar/pound/euro shows the government where our priorities are, for ourselves, our country and for our children.”

Hawk may be quiet or maybe at a slight loss for words and so offers a slightly less raucous, “F___  you.” (But only one.)

Even if Dove doesn’t convince Hawk at the onset, something important and wonderful has happened. Dove and Hawk are talking to each other, looking one another in the eye, and listening to what is being said. No one has lost face.

We must first show respect to others, even if they think very differently from the way we think. Other people tend to view Earth ambassadors and eco-friendly people as uptight, superior-minded, judgmental, think-you’re-so-much-better-than-me, tree-huggers. I know this because I use to be one of those judgemental tree huggers. Back in ignorance. I am still a tree-hugger, but I am much less judgemental these days. I really am curious what makes people tick, what makes them do the things they do and think the way that they think. 

I’ve awakened and am now working to make up for my ignorant ways—people deserve to be listened to and respected. Sometimes, people can be barking mad and nothing you do or say will make any difference. Just move on from those people. But many more people, if treated with respect and interest, will also respect you and become interested in what you have to say. You lead by example, not with a club.

No one is perfect; nope, not even me or you. We’ll be better heard by not expecting it from others. I now “get” where ‘they’ come from and if I don’t, I make an honest effort to get them. I have never once convinced anyone of anything by shaming them or making them feel small. My guess is none of us have. 

Here’s some suggestions for creating a win/win situation with someone you find yourself in conflict with:

First: Stop getting so irate. It’s irritating. Even if the issue is a really big deal to you, remember that people shut down, fight or filter out if they feel challenged. Don’t argue. Do not be angry. Ask questions. Provide ‘alternate possibilities.’

Second: Offer supported, conflict-of-interest-free facts, facts, facts. Educate but don’t shame, belittle, or emasculate. 

Third: Find the ‘what’s in it for them.’ We need to drop our own agenda (ego) to figure out what’s important to them not for them.

Fourth: Celebrate every little, itty, bitty, teeny, weenie contribution. Not everyone will be ready to do an about-face and jump into your camp. But maybe they can move an inch towards your direction. But if they/we are rebuked for not being/doing good enough, we’ll revert back to f___ you very much.

Reminder: F___ you is not a win-win.

If we want to change the world we’ve got to do more of what works and less of what gets people worked up.

If we are mindful of others, and treat them with respect, we’ll be far more effective. Plus it just feels better, and that alone makes the world a better place.

What do you think? Please let me know by leaving a comment.

 

Why Having Compassion For Yourself Is Important

downloadHave you ever heard someone say, “I am so hard on myself.” or, “It’s not easy for me to be kind to myself”. Truth be told, I’ve said this myself in the past. But I’ve come to realize that being hard on myself makes it impossible to have compassion for someone else. I’m sure the same is true for you too.

What is compassion exactly? My dictionary defines compassion as follows: “Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it.” A few years ago, I lived several years of my life single mindedly being of service to my then-new extended family. I don’t say this to make myself sound like a saint – far from it, because I sometimes secretly resented all I did for them with little or no recognition for my efforts. In this era of my life, I became increasingly unhappy and unfulfilled as I ignored my own wants and needs and let myself become preoccupied with the needs and wants of everyone else. My obsession with what “everyone else” needed was not making anyone’s life better, least of all mine.  For me, things had to come to a head and become intolerable before I was able to take a step back and shift my thoughts and behavior to a healthier way of living that reflected a little better who I really was. I learned a lot from this period of my life.

What I now know is that it is a lovely and positive thing to want to help others….if the motivation and intent is right minded. Many people become helpers of others for all the right reasons. But it my case, and in countless others I have since come in contact with, there are those who will nearly exhaust themselves helping others because then they do not have to look at themselves or their own lives. In their minds, they are constantly focused on someone else’s troubles and so have little or no time to really get to know themselves. There can be quite an arrogance in helping others to the exclusion of giving yourself what you need. How easy it is to fix others, compared to the hard work in fixing yourself!

Yes, it can be painful to see ourselves as we really are at times; our pettiness, our jealousy, our judgements. But what a wonderful freedom can be had by doing this. At first, it is so painful to see these traits in ourselves that we quickly look the other way at first glimpse. “Whoa! I don’t want to think about that!” But then, using techniques described in my last blog, you observe, breathe deeply, and feel the emotion. You see that you can survive that first awful blow of recognizing yourself as a flawed human being. Learning compassion, really learning it, is to look right at the awful, embarrassing things you know about yourself; to look them square in the mirror and get closer to that messy, yucky part of yourself that you really don’t want to see. That is the true start of learning compassion. To see these unattractive parts of yourself and not have to turn away, not have to deny. To experience the feelings these parts of yourself bring up in you. Acknowledging them and casting the light of day on these things helps them to melt away, to lose their teeth and claws. Then you will begin to know what it is like to have compassion for others.

The inability to look at oneself in this way, even if one goes to great lengths to be helpful to others, is arrogance.  True compassion is not possible for one who refuses to look at their own shortcomings in this soft and thoughtful way. This is the unvarnished truth about learning to be compassionate.

Start with yourself.